Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
