I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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