I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
