White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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