every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
