My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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