Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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