it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
