I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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