I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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