I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
