i permit you to call me
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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