I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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