listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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