forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
