my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Can Purell be used as lube?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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