my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Dicks are not precious.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize