Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
