I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
