I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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