I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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