did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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