I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
