there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
