she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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