ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
