i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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