so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize