Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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