can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize