Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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