i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize