I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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