i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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