You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
