wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
