Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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