Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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