He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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