is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
