at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
