Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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