I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
