Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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