Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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