Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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