Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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