Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
