yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am midnight drunk by noon
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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