it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
