Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
