just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
