can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
im calling her cock vulture from now on
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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