I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
