I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
im drinking this country out of the recession.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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