it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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