He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
