Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
