My girlfriend figured out who you are.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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