I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm getting married
To pizza
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
